I'm having a bad, that is a reason enough…

Image courtesy: Ask Emma

We parents are known as selfless, giving, emotional fools, who give it all to their children. We can do anything and everything for them.... wait-wait-WAIT. Does that really happen? OK happens often (sometimes), does that always happen... I don't think so.

I don't know what happened in the 'olden days' when we were kids, but now-a-days, all of us are so busy. 
 

We need time for work, we take out time for social networking, we even plan our holidays. All of this adds on to stress in our already busy and stressful lifestyle. I mean even planning a vacation has become stressful, so you need to get stressed to de-stress yourself…. hmmmmm… interesting.
 

What happens when we get stressed? We take it till we can handle it all and then ... boom! It all comes out as rage or anger or a rant and on the receiving end are our loved ones. We take it out on our spouse, (who is expected to act maturely and understand the situation, well s/he does the same…) our parents.  The worst thing to happen is taking it out on kids (especially when they are younger)... easy target, gullible, we can easily apologies to them (or not), and they will be back to normal... I mean, they can't just do without their parents, right? WRONG!!!
 

What wrong have they done? Why should they be at the receiving end? Why should they bear the consequences, because we are stressed? I used to do the same, I used to take it all out on Z, and I can't express how bad I felt when I realized that I was wrong... the good thing is, I realized before it was too late, but the thought of going back there still haunts me.
 

How did realize, well, couple of things, the number of time I shouted at her without any fault of hers increased and Z always responded with  "I'm not talking to you". That broke my heart into a million pieces. I heard Z tell someone, 'Mamma always likes shouting," that was like a slap on my face. I knew, most of the time I shouted was because I was worked up and Z was just acting normally.
 

With Z, the thing is, she goes all out there to make sure, I know she isn't happy with the way I behaved and it was no fault of hers. Now when I want some peace of mind, I just go away from Z for a couple of minutes, these minutes work miraculously to cool me down.
 

In our relationship with our child, aren't we supposed to be the more mature one? The parent? The grown up? How can we just give it out to them, and expect them to not feel bad? These kids are also human beings...
 

At times, we might feel, it is OK to shout at our kids when we are having a bad day, but it isn't... it isn't fair. Your bad day is your problem, not your child's... it's as simple as that.

A Peek into Our Storytelling

Zoe and me follow this story telling ritual from the time she started walking around independently . I have been meaning to write about it for the longest time, but its become such an integral part of our lives that I forget about its being worthy of a separate post (which it indeed is).

So what happens, when I'm working on my laptop... Zoe comes to me at least 2 times in a day and says "Read it Book Mommy". Zoe pulls my hand, makes me sit on 'our' special reading place... The beanbag. Then she walks to her book box'es' and brings out books (one by one) and stacks these books besides me. The books that she always brings (now-a-days) are Gruffalo, Gruffalo's Child, In a People's House - Dr. Seuss, Head to Toe by Eric Carle. Besides these she brings what she likes. Then she climbs on my lap and we start reading. She picks the book, pretend-reads the name and the authors name... She knows all the book names and most author names. I read to her–one book after another–making sounds and gestures, taking out different voices, as I read to kids her age in my class. When I finish a story I say the end, and Zoe gives me a kiss... Then she picks another book.  I read till my legs hurt with Zoe sitting on them, I keep going on and on till I need water to quench my thirst. One session usually lasts 30-40 mins.

I know before every session that I will harly read a new book, because Zoe likes listening to familiar stories and when I get a new book I take it out at the end of our reading session and she gets very excited. This is the best part of our day. Zoe has learned numbers, animals, colors, shapes etc through books. And this even when I never took that extra effort to teach her. She listened to me read when she was in my womb and now loves listening to me hugging me.

I wish this doesn't change ever.

What was the school thinking?

Yes I do over-react and specially when it is something related to kids, I really do. Here today at BZM I want to put across a question to you?
An extremely popular Delhi preschool recently uploaded their Annual Day pictures, and someone I know on Facebook commented on these pictures, so I thought of browsing through the colorful pictures.
I was not prepared for what I saw a few clicks later. There were 2 pictures of a little boy and girl getting married. I was shocked to see the same.

Do check the pictures here:

Picture1

Picture2

What are we teaching/showing our children by doing in a preschool's Annual day function. I did think about it, but I got no answer at all.

What do you think? Am I over-reacting or something.

Project 52- Week 2 - We trust you Sweetheart

I remember when I was in college, there was some rumor a 'relative' of ours was spreading about me, which was extremely pathetic and a complete lie. I came to know about it later, but that person made sure my parents know every bit of it, with extra spices and a strong tadka. I might smile as I recall now, but back then I was very emotional and was totally hurt. I went to my parents and asked them "Didn't all this bother you guys a bit?"... All they said was "We trust you Sweetheart..." These 4 words changed my entire life and my thought process. Thank God for that incident.

One thing which is extremely important for a rock-solid relationship is a 5 letter word TRUST. I know the importance of it, since I grew up to parents who luckily trusted me... I have seen and heard of parents who start having doubts about their own children. My parents chose to believe in us than any gossip monger or a lay man. That gave us (3 siblings) the courage to be upfront and truthful to our parents. When I got into my first relationship, my dad was the 1st person to know/meet him. When Faizan proposed to me the first person I told was mom.
I'm blessed to have equally trusting siblings and a husband who has blind faith in me and vice-verse.
I feel as a parent its not only our duty to tell your child the difference between right and wrong... Equally important is trusting your child. I would want to be a mom who has complete faith in The Toddler, and I want Zoe to become a girl who discusses things (especially which might involve her parents) with us. 

This is not as easy as it may sound. You can't just say "I trust you", you have to stand by your child when s/he needs you. I just hope and wish, we as parents are able to successfully bring the Toddler up as we have planned to raise her. **Fingers Crossed. 

Make your own decisions

Image Courtesy: spiritualquestions.org.uk

That's one thing I will make sure I tell the Toddler. We've given her birth and we've brought her in this world, that doesn't mean we have the right to make decisions for our kids.

The other day I was watching Student of the year with some older member of the family (I didn't like the movie much). One thing I did agree with was when Rohan (Varun Dhawan) leaves his dad's house because his father couldn't accept the fact that Rohan can make his own decision and pursue a career in music. His dad wanted Rohan to handle the family business and become his dad's Xerox copy. My family member said "the father is right, how can Rohan leave his dad and how can he not take care of his dad's business. After all his dad has every right to tell Rohan what to do and what not to. Baap hai woh. His dad is the one responsible for bringing him in this world." I got so furious, thankfully I didn't argue, which I could've done very easily. We shouldn't make our children feel as if we've done them a favor by giving birth to them. We brought them in this world, because we wanted to be happy.

I would make sure I tell The Toddler what's good and what's bad (I will also tell her why it is so). The final decision will be hers, if she would want any suggestions, we'd always be there to guide her.

Project 52- Week 1- 13 things I want to do differently (as a mom) in 2013

If you know me as a person, you'd know I don't believe in stereotypes. My way of parenting is not what every parent vouch by, but its a method The Toddler and me have developed over a period of 2 years. I believe parenting (like every other thing) is an ever learning process, and what works for me, might or might not work for you. Here I've listed down 13 small changes which might affect my parenting in a huge manner positively (Insh'Allah).

1. Work on my patience and try to keep my cool: Before the Toddler was born, I was an extremely chilled out person, but motherhood changed it. I'm Human, I get irritated and yell at The Toddler, I hate it but I end up doing it. I definitely do it in a controlled manner, I know my limits as a parent. Still I feel pathetic and I want to change this bit.
2. Make an effort to look better. I feel better when I look better and it will affect my mood and my behavior. I work from home most of the time and when I go out for meetings/training I don't put much effort there as well. Soon The Toddler might just start telling me, she's embarrassed by the way I dress up, and I wouldn't be able to blame her.
3. Become/Stay Healthier: this means working out, losing weight, getting Physio for my knee and back, as well as getting regular check-ups. I don't have a problem, where diet is concerned.
4. Have a meal as a family, without watching Television. 
5. Keep our car and my wardrobe clatter free. If the car is dirty, it might be unhealthy for The Toddler. If my wardrobe is clean, I would obviously be in a better mood. I would need less time to fetch my cloths and can get more time to get ready. 
6. Sleep on time and get up before The Toddler gets up. Generally the Toddler wakes us up and we are in a terrible mood, especially on weekends. So I want to go early to bed and get up early... this would ensure I'm healthier as well. 
7. Read more books, and get more for the Toddler. 
8. Take The Toddler to zoos, botanical gardens, parks, and help her explore open spaces. 
9. Organize play-dates for The Toddler with my mommy friends. This has been pending for a long long time and its high time I get into organizing the same. This will also help get used to her to her daycare and schools.
10. Stop analyzing parenting skills of other parents, I do try to avoid doing that and I hate when I end up doing it. It's not good for mommie-hood as well.
11. Try to improve my work-life balance. This would ensure when I work I give my 100% there and when I'm with The Toddler I am totally with her. 
12. Try to spend some quality time with The Toddler... reading books, crafts, puzzles etc.  
13. Meal plan for The Toddler, I do that on and off. I want to become regular with her meal planning.

So... that is my list. What is yours?

2012-The Year That was

As I spend the last day of the year 2012, bundled up in my razai to beat the Delhi chill, I can't help but become nostalgic. I always do that on the 31st of December, now it has become a ritual. So the year that passed by brought with it a mixed bag of emotions. Some people believed, we would not exist no longer once 2012 is over... that didn't happen which was an amazing thing.

I had some amazing moments and some not so good moments. Before I go into the positives or negatives. I would like to thank Allah (SWT) for making 2012 a good year for me. Thanks for my family who have been my strongest support base (Fizz n The Toddler), I don't want anything more if I have the two of them with me. I thank you for good health, though my knee is still in a bad shape, but that is more because of my negligence. And I thank for every thing nice that I have in life... (Genuinely)

Let's see what were the good things that happened in 2012:

1. I became a better mom, and Fizz was at his best being The Toddler's daddy
2. We went for 2 holidays (Pondicherry & Shimoga)
3. I started My Little Chatterbox in Bangalore & our 2nd session is about to begin in January Insh'Allah. I have also discovered what is the best way to work from home. I go out for my trainings/meetings, besides that most of the work is done at home. The Toddler has also become used to my working at home and doesn't disturb me much. My work also helped me socialize more, and made me meet new people.
4. I'm in love with Bangalore now... I will have to say I have to explore many places still. 2012 did help me become familiar with the city
5. 2012 saw the Toddler turn into a Tot from a little baby. She turned 2 years old on 26th November 2012 and she is now a big girl. She met all her milestones before time, and I'm so proud of you Missie. The Toddler also got admitted in a school the 3 of us love, she starts school from June 2013.
6. We did manage to watch more movies this year, Talaash tops the list, I didnt want to miss this one...and I didnt
7. I did start working out 2 times a day

Not so good things:

1. I have become extremely paranoid as far as The Toddler is concerned, thanks to the events happening around us. I think a 100 times before I leave The Toddler with a stranger. Our country has become so unsafe, it can't be taken lightly. 
2. Connecticut Shootout
3. We have to start The Toddler's Day Care formally from January 2013 (gives me jitters).
4. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep up with my namaaz the way I wanted to, Insh'Allah I will work on this front
5. Working out somehow isn't working the way I want it to. I sure would not give up, I will reach there soon Insh'Allah

Comparisons Comparisons & Some more... Comparisons

Would you compare these?

We spend our entire life comparing, don't we... we might HATE it, but we still do it. It is engraved in us, our entire system and I have been a victim myself. I was the middle sibling and unfortunately for me, both my sisters got better grades than me, which was a big thing (for mom at least - no offense). I was a hit when it came to extra-curricular activities, but that was meant to be secondary? I really don't blame mum, she was proud of my achievements, yet she believed I should focus more on my studies and become an excellent student from an above-average one. AJ loved me (us) a lot to say anything, he was happy when we were happy.

I hated being compared, I did voice my opinion to mum but I guess she did want me to excel in studies as well. Now, when I tell mum, she should have known that I'm different from my sisters as they are from each other. We should celebrate our differences rather than work at becoming clones of each other.

Now that I'm a mom, I do not want to fall in that trap, and I know I won't. You might think it is easy for me as I have just The Toddler and I don't intend to have another baby. So who will I compare her with? Anyone and everyone... her classmates, celebrities, a random kid running around in a mall... anyone. If I want to, I can compare her to any and every one.

Parents do not realize that comparing can fuel sibling/peer rivalries. A simple sentence like, "How can you get such low grades? Your sisters always get amazing grades. Why not you?" Now I know, mum just said that for my betterment, but I felt like I have been slapped right across my face. I love my sisters, but as a kid I did not want to know what they were doing/discussing... because I felt I'm not as good as them.

Why do not we understand that each child is different and has varied interests/capabities/inclination... they like and dislike different things. Like we never compare oranges and apples, it is unfair to compare children as well. When we keep saying 'every child is special and so is mine' why don't we treat them as specials? Why do we want them to be a part of a herd?

Your baby is different and every kid will shine, if they are brought up in the right kind of environment. Make sure you tell your child how unique they are, tell them "You are unique, don't try to be someone else, be yourself and love yourself". If you want them to work hard and give something their 100% tell them so, don't say "When XYZ can do it why can't you".

If we want all children to fit in the same mould, we would not be able to see who they really are... Is that fair?

An Eyeopener on Gender Stereotypes and My Views

I read a beautiful post on Parentous this evening which took our attention towards Gender Stereotypes that exist in our society. I suggest the readers please go through Reema Sahay's post before reading mine, she actually speaks my mind.

For all those who know me, or have read my blog... I'm known to be a feminist. I have no problem with the other gender what so ever. The problem I've always had is with the image our society has created around a man and a women. Below I'm giving reference of 2 situations which I faced with my daughter, I felt sick to say the least.

Picture This:

I visited a huge toy store to buy some toy cars for my daughter (do I see some raise brows already? I hope not). When I checked with the attendant, I was told "Oh! Toy Cars... those are in the boy section ma'am". I felt weird and realized even toys are gender based. I tried not to raise the point, I felt it was a system they follow, and almost every toy-store stacks its toys like that.  I just hurried towards the 'BOY section' with my little girl. I (fortunately/unfortunately) overheard a mom telling her pre-schooler “Why do you want a kitchen set? It is for girls… Are you a girl?”. I became furious, and left the store immediately. Obviously the toddler had to come home without the toy car.

Picture This (2):

Couple of our relatives reside in a pretty conservative part of Delhi. I went to visit this aunt of mine, and was enjoying some chai and rusks, when I overheard a mom telling another mom, 'Woh toh apne bete ko itna pamper karti hai, har baat mein rona shuru ho jaata hai... poora ka poora ladki ban gaya hai" (she pampers her son so much, he cries at the drop of a hat, he has become a sissy, a typical girl.) I regretted having overheard that conversation.

After reading Reema's post I realize it's very easy to pick these instances up and frown... Gender Stereotype has become a part of our society. We in our daily lives do and say things which make our children feel girls and boys are different and do things differently. When we mostly pick pinks for girls and blues for boys, it is our mindset that tells us that Pink and Blue signify two different genders. (I personally feel men look really cool in pink and girls carry blue fabulously - like any other color). 

We as parents do set examples in front of our kid's as rightly pointed by Reema.

What are your views on this?

GoodBye Cbeebies

I thought this would be easy, but it isn't. With a heavy heart I write this blog post as Z watches one of her favorite Cbeebies show - In the Night Garden. 

For those of you who are not aware Cbeebies will no longer be aired in India post 30th November. Check this link for details. Now what am I supposed to do. Z is allowed only 1.5-2 hours TV viewing a day and 90% of that is Cbeebies. What am I supposed to tell her, when she asks about her favorite Tinky Winky. Laa-Laa, Dipsy, Po, Noo-Noo, IgglePiggle, Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka, Tombliboos, Ninky Nonk, Baby Jake, Finley The Fire Engine and Mister Maker... also everyone on the Big Barn Farm.

Z learned her numbers, Phonics, names of colours, and lots of other things courtesy CBeebies

All this happening when her 2nd birthday is just round the corner. Not done! She has her breakfast with CBeebies for company... does that mean no breakfast for Z?

You might tell me I can show various other channels... it is no big deal. Thanks... but no Thanks... I want to keep away Z from Chota Bheem, Ninja Hattori, Doraemon, Keymon Ache... The only thing I can show is Tom and Jerry and Shaun The Sheep... but these do not impress Z much.

It might sound funny, but it really ain't. I guess all I can do is get her the DVDs of her favorite shows or give up on what little free time I have. What do reckon?

Decisions Decisions Decisions....

From the time I started working on MLCB, I was sure about one thing... I would not let this affect Z a bit. I only hold my classes on weekends (Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays) as of now. I plan to get some more slots from next year onwards. I do my online work and other research etc. in the night, when Z is fast asleep (on most of the days). I try to schedule my meetings according to Z's schedule, but unfortunately that is not always possible. 

I mostly hold my classes in activity centers where Z loves playing... thanks to kid friendly places like Hide N Peek and ThinkBox. She loves these places, she did have a bad experience at one of the activity centers, because the caretaker who was looking after her did not take good care of her... so I had to drop that place, which claims that it is 'kid friendly' but it ain't really child appropriate. 

A big big thank you to Fizz, I don't have to utter a word and he is there (especially when it comes to taking care of Z) for us. 

My first season ends in 2nd week of December, and I plan to go on my annual Delhi vacation with Z Insh'Allah. Once I'm back around the 2nd week of January, I plan to start my next season. Now comes the decision bit... I have 2 options either I get a nice nanny, in this case I can keep Z in front of my eyes and can supervise the nanny. Else, there is a nice daycare near our house and we can opt for that...

Fizz is open with both of them, he has left the decision on me. How convenient... Huh?

Thanks SMJ for yet another great episode

Its not a hidden fact that I've been a huge SMJ fan, but today's episode For the Disabled took my appreciation for the show a notch higher.

The spirit shown by the disabled people who appeared on the show, be it K.K, Jogi, Sai, Javed Abidi, was amazing. I could feel awesome about life just by listening to them, and their spirit  towards life made me feel better. Then I saw Nisha Lobo and couldn't help but think what a magical and truly blessed child she is. When her mom narrated the heinous act where a woman spat on Nisha, when she was mere 4.5 years old... The reason just her disease. I couldn't stop my tears, I was so furious on the kind of acts people do... On second thoughts I pity such beings who involve in such in-human acts. I hope that the woman watched today's show and realized what she committed that day was a disgusting crime.

Hearing about Amar Jyoti School and, I trust it's doing an amazing job... I salute its founders. I just hope our education institutes give equal opportunity to disabled students and there are Amar Jyoti Schools in every nook n corner of our country. They have all the right not only on studying in a normal schools. All normal schools/colleges should make sure these institutes becomes disable friendly at the earliest. I completely understand where schools come from, when they don't want disabled children studying with normal kids. Parents definitely pressurize these schools and want their kids to study with so called 'normal' kids only. I really think these parents need a reality check done.

Disabled kids and individuals are no less, they just need a platform (like all of us) to perform. And its our responsibility to give them the platform. 

Now TIME will decide "Are You Mom Enough?"

So all of a sudden this article in Time Magazine and the cover page has become a hot topic of debate. It is called 'Attachment Parenting', as if mothers who aren't breastfeeding their babies post infancy or not breast feeling at all (for whatever reason) are not 'attached' to their babies or vice versa. Who are we (or anybody) to make such comments. It is to each their own.

The headline (Are You Mom Enough???) and the pictures have created a lot of controversy and have become a topic of debate. Whether you want to breastfeed your baby till 6 months or 4 years that is a call you, your baby and the situation you are in takes.

Why create so much hype around it? What will happen to the boy featured on the cover is another story.